It just takes a moment

• This storm is pretty wild.
• Reminds me of the emotions you trigger in me.
• I hate you. I really do.
• You're just a horrible person.
• I know I'm a pretty shitty person, but you make me look like a saint.
• I wanna see how long you two last though, lol.
• Should I apply to upenn?
• I don't know if it's worth it.
• I don't really know if anything's been worth it.
• I can't wait to get out of this city I've been stuck in for the past 12 years.
• I need new sights. new people. new stories.
• Here's my problem with getting close to people - I just end up feeling unappreciated and thus create distance. 
• I think I've always felt so unappreciated that I've forgotten how to appreciate people myself.
• Who am I anymore?
• I've been looking through old photos and I just don't feel like the same person anymore.
• Of course everyone changes, but when did I become so cynical and sad?
• I need the next six months to be over, and quickly.
• At least I have a license and a job, right?
• At least I'm going to college.
• Give me a decade or so.
• You can suck my success.
• Deuces.

On the bright side,

I'm finally done with college apps.

Aw, fuck.

I mean, darn...

I am absolutely nothing to you, and I cannot doubt or question it. But nor can I accept it willingly.

I really do not want to see you later today, but except I really do.

Oh lord, why is everything so paradoxical with you,

Can I just... Breathe.......

I think I need a me day.

The day after I submit apps, I think I will turn my phone off and drive off to the beach and just sit. And breathe.

I don't want to even question what I am to you.

Much less than I'd wish, I'm sure.

This soon shall pass.

Just tired of feeling so much at once,

Yet when I am empty,

I crave it.

I need to finish college applications.

Yes.

AHN.

I will always be curious as to why our very vague friendship are composed of episodes of.. - for lack of a better explanation - fate.
I happened to drop my ID card during Club Rush freshman year, you picked it up, ran after me, tapped my shoulder and said, "I think this belongs to you."
I think from that very moment, I already found you incredibly charming. But there wasn't really anything exciting after that.
You were a senior, I was a freshman. I knew my place. You're awfully dreamy, but I never considered you ever being a large part of my life.
And still to this day, you aren't a significant part at all. But there's just something about you.
How is it that after that school year of barely ever seeing each other around, we'd run into each other at a summer camp.
I'm glad I mustered up the courage to go up to you and say "Hey! Remember me? The girl who dropped her ID card?"
After camp, we even went to Disneyland together with a whole group of friends.
And after that.. you were off to college. And that was the end of it - the end of nothing, basically.
What type of coincidence is it that I'd purposefully avoid the Starbucks near my house that day, due to someone I saw sitting inside.
What're the chances of my parents suggesting I go to the one on Westminster and Brookhurst, and after 4 hours of sitting there messing with my Common App, hear someone ask, "Is anyone sitting there?" pointing to the chair next to mine, one of the only spots left in the cafe.
I looked up, and I swear, I had forgotten you even existed.
"Whoa, I didn't even recognize you!" You said as you made your way to the other side of me.
We talked, caught up, while doing each our own work. I don't know, it was just... really nice.
But all of these coincidences, I just don't know what to make of it. I want to believe there's a reason.
I want to believe everything happens for a reason. So what's the reason for us?
I want to believe. But that's just me. A believer wanting to believe.

You know what? My senior year is freaking great.

I'm so exhausted every moment - but that's how I know I've made use of my energy.

Grateful my efforts are no longer toward another person.

TY ac nn tn. Y'all saved me tonight.

Thankful for a few select.

The rest can gtfo.

December has always been the month of Beginnings for me.

I ask you that jokingly,

but I almost want you to say

"No, no I don't hate you.

Actually, I love you.

Actually, I'm in love with you.

I'm still in love with you.

I always have been,

And I realize that now.

It's you. It's you, Lynda."

But no, no you don't hate me.

But you don't love me either.

It should be me. It should be me.

8:27 PM

Fate was a friend.

He brought me to you,
he opened my heart and let you in.
He unlocked parts of me I never knew existed,
he gave the key to you and I never saw it again.
He made me share with you
every secret, every smile, every tear,
I only wanted to experience life with you.
He gave me days with you, days that turned into weeks,
weeks into months. Now it's been years.
Somewhere in between, he took you from me.
I say, it's unfair for him to take back a gift.
But I'm sure he'd say, you were not a gift but a lesson.
He'd say that he brought me to you,
to teach me that love is just as cruel as it is kind
to teach me that gold is as degradable as it is valuable.
He brought me to you
to teach me not to trust him so much.

You made Fate an enemy.

I guess the cold got from my heart to my immune system. Ugh -- I just want to be able to breathe and taste again. We really do always take everything for granted.

So,

the one time a guy is truly attached to me, I don't really want him.
Man, this sucks. I always thought I wanted someone who could love me more than I love them.
But, it's not the same. I can't lack passion and be happy. It's something I refuse to engage in.

What's going on? Sigh, this + the dream = makes me wish we never started talking again.

That was a very odd dream.

Please don't fall for me... You are too good for me in every way. I just don't want any burdens. Please stop getting attached to me.

I could swear it's fate, but what is our fate?

I don't like the way you look at me and smile. It's misleading. It's as if I'm right for you - but I can't be.

Guilty joys.

Do you miss me yet?

Red and white forever, argonauts endeavor.

21-18 win over Brea Olinda to advance to CIF quarterfinals :-)

So proud of our school, always. Bleedin argo pride.

Great way to start off ma thanksgiving break

“The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.

In all honesty, I do not believe that all of this has been/is happening for no reason. There's a reason for everything. I'm just scared to figure it out.

First car. Or not.

I feel so, so guilty for feeling so disappointed. I know I should be grateful for what I have, I know I wasn't supposed to expect anything. I don't know why I'm crying, darn it.

College application sh.....enanigans.

Gotta finish revising & finalizing personal statements today. I have to. Then gonna give back to Cardoza to review on Thursday. Then maybe Mrs. Jue, Ms. Dinh, Mr. Nguyen, & Mrs. Laz during this week too. I don't think I'll have any peer review.

This Friday, Saturday, & Sunday - dedicating to finishing UC apps. Finalizing everything. Hoping to submit on Sunday evening, November 23. Yes, please. Please make this happen, Lynda.

Once you figure out who's actually worth trying to keep in your life.. it's pretty awesome.
JB, JC, AT, AC, TN, KB - latinerds - asbbyz - & I'm good. don't really need anybody else at all.

10/15/14

• SCRAM 2014!!! So eventful, I really wish I had the energy to write about it in detail. But I had an amazing time. Wish I could've gone years before. It was my first and last :-( 3rd place on HS-adv latin grammar yayyyy
• After scram, alex's mom took us to kula *___* sushi is seriously timeless. I can eat it any time of day, any day LOL. Never not craving. yum yum yum. Then 7 leaves & home. Alex's family makes me happy.
• Latin family makes me happy.
• Today made me really happy.
• I'm happy.