Maybe if I convince you that I have feelings for someone else,
my heart will believe it too.

I had an interview for Harvard today. Harvard.
The school I declared whenever asked, "Where do you want to go to college?" - at least up until high school, up until reality hit.
But I shouldn't care how slim my chances are; I took the shot.
No matter what happens, I'll be happy to say that I tried.

& there is always graduate school. Always.

I am bitter for nothing. :)

Lmfao.
What the heck is wrong with me,

WHO R U ANYWAY
WHY SHULD I FEEL ANYTHING TOWARD U
EVEN IF IT'S RESENTMENT,
WHY SHULD I

I SHOULDN'T
Who the hell are you, anyway?

So
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
done.

You're not even good enough.

I'm so weak.

Gaps.

I have a gap that you cannot fill.
Nor do I expect you to.
Nor do I exactly want you to.

I don't want you to want me.

Isn't that a little funny?

I can't say I don't wish you'd want me,
but I can say I don't want you to want me.

I really do not mind, which makes it all the more difficult
I liked when you thought you found someone,
I like when you speak of chasing others,
I like just wishing that I was them,
but all the while, accepting that I wasn't.

I didn't think there was a difference between wish and want...
but I think I see it now.

I think we justify our wants more than our wishes.
People say they 'wish', when they know it's too irrational & intangible to say that they 'want'.

As for me, I am so much more complicated than a gap between potential & probability;
even when my thoughts are overpowered and I'm left powerless to my feelings,
a part of me always knows right from wrong, left from right.

I know that it's just not right,

& that is why I refuse to want you.
& that is why I can so genuinely say that I do not want you to close the gap.
& that is why I can silently watch you want someone else, and still just only wish for you. not want you.

Lost.

Sometimes I wonder if I was placed into this world just to bring meaning to the word "lost"
Because lost is me, I am lost

I have never been too sure if where to go, or where I even am
I have never been too sure of anything

Or maybe I am to bring meaning to "found"
Because that is all I want to be
I silently scream for salvation,
for a certainty that can save me
from this series of obscurity

I yearn so much to be found, or just to even be sought after
I yearn, I desire, I crave, whilst my yearning, desire, crave
make me just that much more lost

For the thrill of it.

Why do I allow myself to fall into traps when I am fully aware of the fact that it is a trap

My thoughts cannot overpower my feelings and sometimes it just kills me

Cry.

"I'm gonna cry," I said to you jokingly - although there was a hint of sincerity in it;
that's really what I feel like doing. I just want to cry.
You actually looked over and leaned your head in to see if I was really going to cry,
now why did that even bring me the least bit of joy?

I need to stop. I just realized that you are everything that I need not have in my life,
that I need not get attached to... but now what have I done?

I'm such an idiot. Such an idiot

Missing.

What a shitty feeling it is to miss something that you never had in the first place,
how shameful it is to long for something that you know you will never have

god i dont feel good
i really really hate whats going on rn

If theres one thing that I think of when I think of you..that I cant get out of my mind.. Your laugh. Your voice. 

Wah.

What is so exhilarating about falling for someone who you know is completely wrong for you, what is it that makes it so damn fun to set yourself up for pain and disappointment... why, why, why

Damn it,

Such good ideas for someone who can't appreciate it.
Not again... not again..

I just really think that you deserve to be loved.
And what a shame it is that I can't do the loving,

Lol. Bye Felicia.

"It's okay to be nice to everyone but you don't have to be too nice. You need to be nice to yourself too, and first." 

This is honestly always so difficult for me.

Losing so much hope & motivation.

I wish you'd let me in.

Valentine's Day is a joke, even when I had a boyfriend
so why would being single be any better LMAO

LMFAO

My life.

Ok single til 50 lesgo.

Omg why should I have time for you

This makes no sense

Byeeeeee

"You got a lot of chill"

That just means a lot to me.

I think a lot of people see me as anal, always freaking out, panicky, overreacting 

So this just means a lot. When does anyone ever choose me over others // want just me haha

Omg you really suck so bye

i am so damn tired of feeling inadequate

I can sit here
and blog
and blog
and blog
and if it doesn't work out
it doesn't work out

What if I was prettier
smarter
skinnier
wittier

would I be enough

It's hard to do this,
seeing everything so clearly

I'm so damn stubborn.

My heart is heavy,
and I knew I shouldn't have tried,
but I did.
I did, I done it, I damn it.

You weren't even in my life. Why didn't I keep it that way?

But then again,
it can easily go back to that way. As long as I let it.
The way I let you in.

So.. who has the power here?

Rules. Social norms.

Those rules..

• don't do too much to your hair because it'll die
• don't procrastinate
• manage your time, plan, think ahead
• don't be annoying and clingy and needy
• don't cut your hair because you'll regret it in a few months
• obey your parents
• spend money wisely

yeah, there are a bunch of miscellaneous wise things to keep in mind but

sometimes I just think about it and

how dumb we are as a species

to know our fate - mortality

to know we have such limited time

and yet limit ourselves with such constraints

who CARES?

why should we worry about being liked or disliked by others

when this is our own life to live

and when we're dead, it wouldn't matter if everyone disliked you

why do we yearn for approval

when we're gonna die with or without others' approval

sometimes when I think about all of this

I just wanna say screw it all and just LIVE

I just want to live

even if it means annoying the crap out of people

making stupid mistakes and regretting them

taking risks and facing the consequences

why are we scared of anything

when we're being chased by death

I want to feel ok, but I'm not ok. not at all.
& that's why I need to do this.

Unavailable.

I don't want to be free to be taken anymore. I don't want to open up so easily anymore. I'm not going to close myself off to the rest of the world, but I'm not going to stand here with open arms either. I'm gonna keep my arms wrapped around myself, because I'm tired of looking for that acceptance and affection elsewhere. I'm tired of giving so much, and expecting to be able to take just as much; I should not need to give nor take. I need to learn to stand on my own without looking for other arms. I will learn to embrace myself, and until I do, I am very much unavailable.

on that mission to back it up.

Much needed.

“Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want.”

Janet Fitch, White Oleander

Bye.

Self-control.

If you want, you will.

I'll proceed to disappear now.

I just need to hold my horses.
Why do I even want this so badly,
is it because Valentine's Day is in a week
is it because Sadies proposals are due soon

do I want this for all the wrong reasons?
it'd be reassuring if I did, but I am not sure,

please. can i just,

sigh.

Seriously the nicest feeling in a while omfg

Wow.

That was easy.

11:43

My head is spinning and my heart is heavy and oh dear I just wish you would.

11:42

Why can't I make anyone happy anymore?

11:40

So, you don't even care?

I should be fast asleep, but I cannot even rest my eyes with the thoughts clashing in my head.

But maybe I'm just terrible at reading signs

Maybe signs changed meaning without my knowledge of so

Maybe I gave you all of the wrong answers

Maybe you gave me all of the wrong hopes

What about me?

What about my feelings?