It's hard to do this,
seeing everything so clearly

I'm so damn stubborn.

My heart is heavy,
and I knew I shouldn't have tried,
but I did.
I did, I done it, I damn it.

You weren't even in my life. Why didn't I keep it that way?

But then again,
it can easily go back to that way. As long as I let it.
The way I let you in.

So.. who has the power here?

Rules. Social norms.

Those rules..

• don't do too much to your hair because it'll die
• don't procrastinate
• manage your time, plan, think ahead
• don't be annoying and clingy and needy
• don't cut your hair because you'll regret it in a few months
• obey your parents
• spend money wisely

yeah, there are a bunch of miscellaneous wise things to keep in mind but

sometimes I just think about it and

how dumb we are as a species

to know our fate - mortality

to know we have such limited time

and yet limit ourselves with such constraints

who CARES?

why should we worry about being liked or disliked by others

when this is our own life to live

and when we're dead, it wouldn't matter if everyone disliked you

why do we yearn for approval

when we're gonna die with or without others' approval

sometimes when I think about all of this

I just wanna say screw it all and just LIVE

I just want to live

even if it means annoying the crap out of people

making stupid mistakes and regretting them

taking risks and facing the consequences

why are we scared of anything

when we're being chased by death

I want to feel ok, but I'm not ok. not at all.
& that's why I need to do this.

Unavailable.

I don't want to be free to be taken anymore. I don't want to open up so easily anymore. I'm not going to close myself off to the rest of the world, but I'm not going to stand here with open arms either. I'm gonna keep my arms wrapped around myself, because I'm tired of looking for that acceptance and affection elsewhere. I'm tired of giving so much, and expecting to be able to take just as much; I should not need to give nor take. I need to learn to stand on my own without looking for other arms. I will learn to embrace myself, and until I do, I am very much unavailable.

on that mission to back it up.

Much needed.

“Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want.”

Janet Fitch, White Oleander

Bye.

Self-control.

If you want, you will.

I'll proceed to disappear now.

I just need to hold my horses.
Why do I even want this so badly,
is it because Valentine's Day is in a week
is it because Sadies proposals are due soon

do I want this for all the wrong reasons?
it'd be reassuring if I did, but I am not sure,

please. can i just,

sigh.