So
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
done.

You're not even good enough.

I'm so weak.

Gaps.

I have a gap that you cannot fill.
Nor do I expect you to.
Nor do I exactly want you to.

I don't want you to want me.

Isn't that a little funny?

I can't say I don't wish you'd want me,
but I can say I don't want you to want me.

I really do not mind, which makes it all the more difficult
I liked when you thought you found someone,
I like when you speak of chasing others,
I like just wishing that I was them,
but all the while, accepting that I wasn't.

I didn't think there was a difference between wish and want...
but I think I see it now.

I think we justify our wants more than our wishes.
People say they 'wish', when they know it's too irrational & intangible to say that they 'want'.

As for me, I am so much more complicated than a gap between potential & probability;
even when my thoughts are overpowered and I'm left powerless to my feelings,
a part of me always knows right from wrong, left from right.

I know that it's just not right,

& that is why I refuse to want you.
& that is why I can so genuinely say that I do not want you to close the gap.
& that is why I can silently watch you want someone else, and still just only wish for you. not want you.

Lost.

Sometimes I wonder if I was placed into this world just to bring meaning to the word "lost"
Because lost is me, I am lost

I have never been too sure if where to go, or where I even am
I have never been too sure of anything

Or maybe I am to bring meaning to "found"
Because that is all I want to be
I silently scream for salvation,
for a certainty that can save me
from this series of obscurity

I yearn so much to be found, or just to even be sought after
I yearn, I desire, I crave, whilst my yearning, desire, crave
make me just that much more lost

For the thrill of it.

Why do I allow myself to fall into traps when I am fully aware of the fact that it is a trap

My thoughts cannot overpower my feelings and sometimes it just kills me

Cry.

"I'm gonna cry," I said to you jokingly - although there was a hint of sincerity in it;
that's really what I feel like doing. I just want to cry.
You actually looked over and leaned your head in to see if I was really going to cry,
now why did that even bring me the least bit of joy?

I need to stop. I just realized that you are everything that I need not have in my life,
that I need not get attached to... but now what have I done?

I'm such an idiot. Such an idiot

Missing.

What a shitty feeling it is to miss something that you never had in the first place,
how shameful it is to long for something that you know you will never have

god i dont feel good
i really really hate whats going on rn

If theres one thing that I think of when I think of you..that I cant get out of my mind.. Your laugh. Your voice. 

Wah.

What is so exhilarating about falling for someone who you know is completely wrong for you, what is it that makes it so damn fun to set yourself up for pain and disappointment... why, why, why

Damn it,

Such good ideas for someone who can't appreciate it.
Not again... not again..

I just really think that you deserve to be loved.
And what a shame it is that I can't do the loving,