who am i anymore, always settling for less than what i know i want

You deserve someone who would move mountains for you
And never lets you forget it

All I get is disappointment

i'm actually so freaking sick of everything

You really want to keep record and attribute everything to the time of month?
Sure, just know it's precisely 4 weeks - 28 days - apart

Lol
Bullshit

When you're so desperate for consolation that 2 or 3 incidents, out of 10 or more, is enough to amount to some significant correlation/causation
Make sure you come up with some explanation for all those posts in between!
You're also only fooling yourself if you think this blog comprehensively documents all the shit I've endured

That's a good one

but also, never apologize for the person you are just because people will always feel the need to find (and point out quite explicitly) imperfections

if someone is refusing to let you forget your flaws, let it question their character rather than your own
if they can't accept you for all that you are, taking into account that you are fucking trying to be better, then why do they deserve to stick around to see any of the good that you try to do and be
maybe they're not who you were wishing they could be.

is there anyone out there who really understands me

you can never truly get a fresh start.
no matter how much you try to be a better person, the past will always haunt you.

there's really only one way to leave everything behind and it's a terrible thought but this is precisely why the thought exists.

that sinking feeling. a million times over. seeing things in your head you can't block out. not knowing if nothing makes sense or everything is finally clear.

Old habits die hard 

Forever setting myself up for disappointment 

remember in 8th grade
when all i wanted were grand gestures and the best of everything
funny how things change
how now all i need are the little things, those that require more sincere thought
who would've known it's the little everyday things that are so rare

i don't remember the last time i felt loved not out of obligation or routine
i'm chasing that type of love where someone gets reminded spontaneously at any given moment that they are in love with you--because of something you said or did or just the way you look or sound--where they can't help but explode with that love because it's in those moments that prove even with the unsaid obligation and routine, the magic is still there and that's what i need to feel again

i think everyone deserves someone in their life who would drop everything for you when you need them
and if you can't find it in a partner, just rearrange to find it in parents
it slips my mind how easily you can lose someone you love and need, and how you will lose them
and i don't know what i'll do without that unconditional support

it is no fault but my own that i am this broken

idk.

“Some men see things as they are and say why – I dream things that never were and say why not.”– George Bernard Shaw

I just think this perfectly and quite beautifully explains my purpose in this life

yup
just a waste

the only thing i'm good at is wasting my emotions

when was the last time i felt this hopeless about absolutely everything

i need to get my shit together

Whys everything such a struggle

Ah this familiar feeling 

What a bad day to be a bad day

still trying

I am finding it difficult to see the light down this tunnel.

Find someone who supports you wherever you are at lol
And helps you get to where you want to be instead of focusing on how far away you are

http://verilymag.com/2017/03/find-a-man-who-is-crazy-about-you

how

how do i be happy with myself as i am
how do i stop comparing myself to others that i'll never be
how do i cease to need others' affirmation
how do i just love myself unconditionally

i don't know how
but i want to start working towards that now

3/17/17 2:44 pm

Just one of those days

wishing I was more
Smart
Pretty
Friendly
Loving
Patient
Dedicated
Interesting

Wishing I was more.

Beautiful

For the longest time, my insecurities were bred to the point where I needed constant and consistent validation
I remember using this to evaluate against the quality of a relationship, the quality of a love
I remember comparing cards from earlier times which always included things like "you're the most beautiful girl in the world" to times that I no longer received that kind of affirmation. And I saw this as a decline in love of some sort. It bothered me that to the person, there was no longer anything worthy of mentioning any variation of beauty.
This was something I deeply internalized and never made known, but I think it did to some degree worsen my insecurities.

Society has taught me that, especially as a woman, I should aim to be beautiful. That beautiful comes from the validation of others and their standards.
And so I comply.
Yet, I honestly cannot recall the last time I have been called beautiful, by someone whose validation and affirmation matter.
Still I have felt love throughout this time. It's still a work in progress, but to not receive that kind of affirmation does not take the toll on me that it once did. It wouldn't not be nice to receive it, but I can let that be a pleasant surprise instead of having the lack of it be a constant disappointment.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the beholder may or may not be in tune with my need for any sort of validation. And I'm learning to be okay with that.

It was only a matter of time before I would self sabotage the one good thing in my life, right
Hah

Why do I exist to ruin everything

Salty cheeks
Soaked pillows
Stinging chest
Still trying to reconcile my ideals and my shortcomings
Still trying to free myself from this heavy heart
Still, I don't know if I'm cut out for this life
Or if I'm better cut out

Maybe I'm incapable