words and weaknesses

"Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I amworthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me."

— Daniell Koepke

I never took criticism lightly; in fact, it always stung me much more than I let show. This has been my lifelong weakness and I rarely ever, ever let it go unconcealed. And this wasn't because I placed myself on a pedestal and believed I was too good for any criticism. It was pretty much the exact opposite. It's because any negative words thrown at me only verified the dark thoughts I already had about myself. It only supported, if not added to, my self-degradation. I struggled with this extreme sensitivity for so long. To be honest, I don't even know if I've gotten over it. But I do know now why I have been so sensitive to everything - it's because I needed anything and everything to define my worth, since I could not myself. I've been trying so hard, now, to self-define my worth and gain back the self-esteem and confidence that had been shredded from me over all of the years. It's always difficult to think about, because I want to blame other people for it - I want to blame their brutality, their lack of kindness, their insensitivity. In truth, though, there is only myself to blame and I know that now. I want to value myself, even if others do not. I have to value myself, even if others do not.