When u get asked why ur smiling when ur fucking crying lmao

wow what a fucking shitty feeling

What a joke

my love for simple things like a couple of flowers and quick love notes
and forehead kisses and random i love you's

somehow makes me too difficult to please

welp

fuck

fighting an endless battle

on my own

"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. 
I am changing the things I cannot accept."

Oh boy.

Boy. Man. Male.

I have known all my life that it was rather unfortunate to be born female into the world as it continues to be. My mom tells me she practically felt sorry for bringing a girl to life. I don't blame her; I wouldn't wish any of these circumstances upon anyone either. I saw the disadvantages in almost every aspect of life, from biological to social. And yet I have largely lived in denial of remaining sexism, with my heart believing in the progress of our nation especially.

Today, all of that came crashing down for me. Not exactly all at once but the final ruins leave no room for further denial. Society is a complex construct, but it's simple to say it is male-dominated regardless of the nuances. Would a blind vote, based solely upon reputation, qualifications, values, and platforms rather than the image of the candidate, have brought different election results? I don't doubt it. To say the least, I am afraid. Afraid of stepping into the real world that I naively thought would welcome me with open arms. Afraid of the change in momentum of progress. Afraid of finding flaws in everything I want to believe in.

Why are people told to accept things over which they have no control? We deserve to have inquiries about the phenomena surrounding us. Silent acceptance impedes progress and hinders necessary change. Question things. I may not be able to change anything, but having the desire to is certainly a start.

It's so important, more clearly now than ever, that we stay vocal about the areas in desperate need of change. Stay vocal about our beliefs, our ideals, our values. I've been told I'm stubborn. I don't see how else to get through this society as a woman without getting stepped all over or pitied for vulnerability. I stay adamant about my ideas and perspectives because I need to be able to stand for something. And I may not be able to make a difference with my beliefs, alone, as a woman, but having the dream to is certainly a start.

There is so much more floating around in my head after this crazy night but I really should get some rest for the crazy world I have to tackle for yet another day.

just gotta care less

the difference is painful

how do i even begin to explain what words can't

the fray got me feeling some type of way

there are way too many ways a ldr can fail

literally have no one lmao

be careful when someone starts telling you what they're going to do someday
they didn't say all of those things would be for you and not someone else

when there's a will, there's a way
and i suppose there's no way when there's no will

time's a curse
oh how things change

i guess i wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with me, either

you know those days when your head can't even wrap around everything that's going on and you're trying your best but everything you do and say just somehow goes wrong and nobody really gets you and your intentions get misread and your jokes turn into arguments and words turn into daggers and you're kinda just too tired to defend yourself anymore and then everything you thought you could believe in starts clouding up with doubt and you feel like everything is slipping out of your hands and your hands just go numb and you just can't fix your grip

yeah
i know those days, too

cursed with my valuation of affirmative words

what
is
the
point

of
anything

i'm trying so hard
but i'm crashing so hard

hopeless
helpless

do you ever just feel so
idk

like literally you don't know
about anything anymore

see think n feel too much for my own good

Let me talk about my mom. I've been critically ill for the past 5 days now and I know it's taken a huge toll on my mom too. She wakes up with me every 4 hours throughout the night to help me get some food and take medicine. She gets up practically hourly to check on my temperature. She has to constantly cook and think of things I can actually consume because my appetite sucks right now. Nobody can love me quite like she does. It's unbelievable to me how this woman has gone through all that she has and still has this selflessness in her. She doesn't care so much about luxuries for herself but always tries to make sure I have all I need and that I'll be able to enjoy a luxurious life in the future. She essentially gives up an annual five-figure dollar amount to stay home and tend to me and my brother and make sure that we don't end up in the wrong crowd or go down the wrong path. I'm not gonna lie, during my (many) years of teenage angst, my parents came across to me as overprotective, oppressive, and impossible to satisfy. Looking back now, I should've appreciated their discipline rather than let it frustrate me, because I don't know if I'd be half the person I am today without it. My mom always tried to remind me that friendships are..fickle. And of course, family is forever. You can suddenly love someone you never thought you would, and you can also hate someone you never thought you would. Momma's always right. And it seriously took me all of high school to realize that people talk. A lot, the annoying ones. I don't think anybody can deny saying something bad about someone they claim to be close to. And people can congratulate you to your face but behind your back they could try to undermine your worthiness of an achievement and even wish it was them instead. I'm just trying to be real rn about people and what I observed in high school, cause honestly if I could've just accepted that people will be people, I would've given a lot less craps about what people thought of me and how I could maintain friendships that were clearly fake af. Would've spent more time learning to love myself than let stupid people convince me what not to love about myself. This got off topic and quite deep but family is all you got for certain for always and I have never been more grateful for mine #toomanymeds #drugsmakingmeemo

what does it feel like

to have someone make you their entire world and show that to their actual world
to have someone remind you they love you without you asking, without it being the routinely time of the day for saying it
to have someone just spontaneously do or say something nice because they know it'll make you smile
to have someone not bear the sight of you crying and do whatever it takes to make you stop
to have all those little things that actually mean so much


i want to know


p.s. is that too much to ask for :(

treat people the way you want to be treated

more like treat people a hundred times better than you want to be treated so that they can meet you halfway

and then you'd still probably walk the extra mile for them so it's still not really halfway after all

how hard do i have to try

trying
trying
trying

lumps in my throat either come out as a vicious stream of tears or a turbulent flow of words
the latter feels a lot better, i think

ex·pec·ta·tion

ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

plural noun: expectations

1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

   "reality had not lived up to expectations"

   synonyms:

   supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation, prediction, hope More

   • a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

     "students had high expectations for their future"

     synonyms:

     supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation, prediction, hope "her expectations were unrealistic"

   • archaic

     one's prospects of inheritance.

     
     

     
     

     
     

     re·al·i·ty

     rēˈalədē/

     noun

     1. 1. 

        the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

        "he refuses to face reality"

        synonyms:

        the real world, real life, actuality; More
     2. 2. 

        the state or quality of having existence or substance.

        "youth, when death has no reality"

things my parents forgot to lecture me about

don't be the person who
- always asks to take pictures (this is to avoid being annoying to people who don't enjoy taking pictures with you)
- can't handle truth (painful more often than not, oh well suck it up)
- says too much (listening does not equate to caring)
- needs someone too much (self-explanatory, just never explicitly taught)

always bending over backwards
when others wouldn't even bend over forward

forgive & forget

When you're the type of person who'd drop everything if someone needed you
You forget that not everyone is like that

do you ever forget that something even happened
and then when you remember out of nowhere,
it's like
what
i went through that?
why
dang my life sucks

if i could build myself over
i'd choose to be strong. selfish. relentless.
everything i'm not

Do some moments just ever make you pause and soak in how fake everyone kinda is
I'm trying not to burn more bridges than all those I've already, but it's hard sometimes
People surprise me all the time, even though I shouldn't feel any more shock at this point

I wish I could live a life of solitude and have it be fulfilling enough

Far too fucking familiar

"So please ask yourself: What would I do if I were not afraid?
And then go do it."

-Sheryl Sandberg

I don't remember the last time I felt this lost

too easy to feel all alone

A wise girl once said: if he wants to see you, he would. If he wants to be with you, he'd make sure of that as well.

sometimes it takes the small things to realize the bigger things

& the moments in which you wish you ceased to exist, 
just remember that it can only get better from there

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

“All I can say is that you make me... you make me into someone I couldn't even imagine. You make me happy, even when you're awful. I would rather be with you - even the you that you seem to think is diminished - than with anyone else in the world.” 
― Jojo Moyes, Me Before You

Things to learn & accept

• You can't change who you've become and you can't predict who you will become
• You can't make someone appreciate you and you certainly can't control the way they show the appreciation
• Your worth should not be defined in any way other than your own self-respect
• So love yourself
• No matter where you go and what you do, you can't escape the life that trails behind you
• So focus on what lies ahead instead
• Without lows, there are no highs
• It will always be mind over matter
• You're better off exhaling & letting go than bottling it in & letting it consume you
• It's okay to feel disappointed in other people; they are not responsible for knowing and meeting all of your expectations
• Comparison is evil; avoid it
• Life is too short & time is too limited to be sitting around wondering why you're not good enough or why you seem to ruin everything or why you're such a mess; don't look back & keep moving forward in spite of all this that makes humans so screwed up

why did i think i could be any better than i was before
no matter how hard i try, i'll always fall short
and alone

Im never going to be worthy enough for someone to want to be as patient as they need to be 

but I wanted so badly for this to be wrong

I needed it to be wrong

why do I even bother when I'm just a mass of shortcomings

how do I expect anyone to tolerate me when I'm struggling myself

yet I do, and I let myself hope that it would give me the strength to get better

but it always fails 

I always fail

I was given the talent to ruin things and not the skill to fix them

And I don't know how to defend myself anymore 

I swear there's something off with my water system 

12 things learned while 18

("at least 1 for each month" -my lovely boyfriend)

• Some people come into your life solely for the purpose of teaching you to let go
• It's okay to pull yourself from people who do you more harm than good
• The comfort zone provides no room for growth
• If not now, then when?
• There's never really a right time, only the right motives
• Cliche, but you truly do need to love and respect yourself before you expect anybody else to
• It's not a crime to fall short of people's expectations; people will always expect too much
• I never believed in absolutes, like "never" or "always," but sometimes I think there's that one special person who can do a whole lot to your beliefs
• Love really does come at unexpected times, but maybe because those are the times you're most capable of managing it well
• Simplicity
• Your true character shows through the ways you treat people whom you have no obligation to treat well
• Actions may speak louder than words, but words are always there even when actions cannot be

prologue

I think that everything in my life thus far has been so transient
My life really has just been chapters, unfolding and closing, and left behind when closed

...and I'm okay with that
I've left people where I want them to stay
I've come to terms with it now
It's nice to realize it, acknowledge it, exhale it

I've also come to the overstated conclusion that family is all you really have
Family is all I still have now when all of my past chapters have closed

Things have a funny way of unfolding
Because now I've found this person,
someone who not only perfectly complements me but also perfectly exemplifies my realization about family

And this is the one person whom I truly believe will remain through my future chapters
And that's all that really matters to me

THE FINALS ARE COMING, THE FINALS ARE COMING

/rip

this is one of the worst feelings

words and weaknesses

"Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I amworthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me."

— Daniell Koepke

I never took criticism lightly; in fact, it always stung me much more than I let show. This has been my lifelong weakness and I rarely ever, ever let it go unconcealed. And this wasn't because I placed myself on a pedestal and believed I was too good for any criticism. It was pretty much the exact opposite. It's because any negative words thrown at me only verified the dark thoughts I already had about myself. It only supported, if not added to, my self-degradation. I struggled with this extreme sensitivity for so long. To be honest, I don't even know if I've gotten over it. But I do know now why I have been so sensitive to everything - it's because I needed anything and everything to define my worth, since I could not myself. I've been trying so hard, now, to self-define my worth and gain back the self-esteem and confidence that had been shredded from me over all of the years. It's always difficult to think about, because I want to blame other people for it - I want to blame their brutality, their lack of kindness, their insensitivity. In truth, though, there is only myself to blame and I know that now. I want to value myself, even if others do not. I have to value myself, even if others do not. 

i've been feeling nothing more than mediocre lately...
college has been makin me feel pretty inadequate
and if not inadequate, i'm merely average
i know grades aren't supposed to define everything
but sometimes it feels like it does define a heck of a lot
and this is only the beginning of it
after grades, it'll be internships, diff positions, etc
how else am i supposed to define my ability, my worth

idk
i have no idea
(too often)

i'm afraid
i'm fine
everything will be okay
please
just don't overthink

do
you
ever
just
feel
so
broken

like all wounds ever healed
resurfacing
and rehurting

If I could have a power

It'd be the power to unsee 

Old habits die hard

And even after everything,

even now that I'm happier, securer, stronger,

I still can't seem to fully shake the bad habit of comparing myself to others

When the opportunity comes, it stays