Oh my god why am I so disappointed

A lot of things hurt right now.

Why do I crave company so much,
that I get attached to attention so easily?

I do not know how to unattach
I do not know how to protect myself
I thought I did
I thought I learned

I was doing so well

It makes me sad how weak I still am, no matter how hard I try to keep up that strong front. I'm freaking vulnerable as hell.

My heart flutters too easily.
But I'm learning to not let my hands open as easily,
clenched tight in fists actually

I refuse to fall.

It's mentally exhausting trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life and where I'm going to be able to make it happen

Update: rejected to Columbia, Yale, and Princeton; waitlisted at Harvard. Honestly, I can say that I feel so privileged to even be able to have applied to Harvard. To be interviewed, to be considered, to be waitlisted is probably beyond anything I could've imagined these past few years - some of the roughest times of my life.

There's been so many rough patches. I've been trying so hard to find some sort of outlet; I've been anticipating my escape but it never felt so tangible until this past weekend. SEA Admit was such an amazing experience. I will seriously never forget these people and all the memories made. I think it's absolutely beautiful how much you can connect with people you only spend 3 days getting to know.

It's funny because before this weekend, my heart was pretty much set on Berkeley though with an open mind toward LA. Boy, were the past few days a real game changer. The tables have turned, and now my heart is utterly consumed by LA, my mind still looking forward to this weekend at Berkeley though.

I just want to decide already. Decisions are so tough. So is everything else sometimes. I still have to appeal to Harvard, keep up with schoolwork, prepare for AP testing, all while trying to make the most of the last bits of my senior year. Life is so tough but so good to me. Gosh, it's so bittersweet. And it's so real.