Monday, December 28, 2015

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

And it's not so much that you make me a whole better person.. you simply make me the best version of myself.

I actually feel like myself nowadays
I could reiterate this forever, but...

I am so in love with you and I am so in awe of all the happiness you bring me.

Monday, November 23, 2015

note to self, from many others--

the right one would be more than willing to wait however long it takes

Thursday, November 12, 2015

it's not always rainbows and butterflies
it's compromise
that moves us along
sometimes, watery eyes and twisted throat,
i need to take a breath and take a step back
and remind myself that nothing is ever flawless
and it's the flaws that make it all very real
and some things, i am very glad they are

Sunday, October 18, 2015

I guess I used to blog A LOT, because words served as comfort to me.
And now... I just don't need that much of comfort anymore.
I kinda have everything that I need to make, and keep, me happy.

It's been a while.

I last posted September 11. That was over a month ago...
Time has really just flown - cliche, but there's really no other way to say it.

I moved into RH 573 on September 15.
It's overwhelming just to think about what this signified for me.
Yeah, it's "the beginning of a new chapter," I think anyone can say that.
But for me... it's so much more. Honestly, it's like the beginning of my life.
This is all I have been waiting for. All I have been working towards.
I wanted to make it here so badly, because I knew that's the only way I'd be able to live,
truly live. I am now on my own.

And yet, I'm not on my own at all.
I can hardly ever put into words how grateful I am to have him.
How do you even equate common combinations of letters
to the value of the ever-growing compilation of smiles, laughter, memories, love?
It's hard to believe that I met this kid only 6 months ago as of today,
he knows me inside and out like no other would, or would bother to.
And still... it's hard to believe that I met this kid 6 months ago already,
he makes everything feel so timeless; everyday still feels so brand new.
I call it magic, the way he makes time freeze yet fly all at once.
I'm just so lucky to be able to love and be loved like this,
to know what it's like to feel this lucky to have my someone special.
And even though words don't suffice, I could go on and on, really...
All while knowing it'd never be quite enough to say just how much he means to me.

Hmm, what else... school is school.
College work is just a bunch of reading, to sum it up very neatly.
Though extra-curricular wise, I've learned quite a bit - not so much in the fields yet,
but more so in just the fact of having taken the opportunities presented to me.
I'm very blessed to have people who encouraged and pushed me on
when I questioned my candidacy and qualifications.
If I never took all the chances I wanted to,
I would not be able to say that I ended up getting all that I wanted;
literally more than I can have, it turns out.
And although I won't be able to double USAC and Daily Bruin,
I know that what I did choose to jump into will only serve me real well.

It's been such a great start... please let the blessings only continue.


-more updates s00n because I really gotta get to work now-

Friday, September 11, 2015

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) 
lol
It's a constant battle
It was something I've been thinking about already,
but when they asked yesterday about ever hearing back from Harvard,
I realized that the thoughts were not going to just go away.

I have regrets.
Even if I had too slim of chances, would it have hurt to try?
Even if I did not want to experience something so new on the other side of the nation, was it not worth a try?
I always say you don't know until you try. Why did I not try?
I'm not one for unfinished business. That will never fly for me.
So how could I let this pass?

There have just been so many what if's.
What if I had submitted my wait-list materials, what if I executed my grand ideas
What if I stood a chance after doing so
What if I allowed myself to be something bigger, even if it meant facing criticism and facing fears
What if, what if, what if

What if I hadn't heard of SEA Admit
What if I hadn't heard of Senior Weekend
What if I didn't experience the things I did
What if I wasn't so overwhelmed with all I wanted to achieve before my senior year ended

I just wonder how different things would be
And even if the outcome would not change anything,
it would change the fact that it keeps lingering in the back of my mind
It's just one of those nights 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

I am strong I am strong I am strong

Well, I have to be
I knew it'd be difficult. I knew that. 

Just going to keep telling myself that
until it can serve as some comfort

Monday, August 31, 2015

Sinking 
sinking
sinking...
I'm so lucky to have found such pure and promising love in spite of all the odds and obstacles 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

I'd been spending the last eight months
thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
but on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again

15 days.

15 days, and I'll be off on my own.
The anticipation I feel is more excitement than fear.
I'll be brave, I'll be strong. And I'll finally be free.

+ LA is so beautiful and perfect for me. I'll never regret my decision.
Can't wait for all the growth & experiences in such a great environment.

Monday, August 24, 2015

It's a small world
I'll never be able to avoid all that I wish I could

Sunday, August 23, 2015

"So how did it work... when you saw him, did you just know he was like..the one?"

Hadn't even crossed my mind, honestly
But I guess I just talk about you like you are the one
Even she saw it...

Can't and won't jinx it though

Friday, August 14, 2015

Digging up the past always makes me feel a bit uneasy.

I only realized now that nobody has ever cared enough to even learn about my past that way. 
Even if it doesn't mean anything to me now, it undeniably reflects who I was at a certain point in time.
Not something to be proud of, but I guess I'm glad it's not something to have to hide either.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Monday, August 10, 2015

All I know right now is that I'm hurting and crying and there is no source of comfort
I'm not cut out for this
I'm not strong enough for any of this

one last realization

I am still too selfish.
One step forward, two steps back.

deadweight

You made me feel like this sort of attachment was okay
And this is exactly what I feared
I thought that for once
it was okay
because it was reciprocated
I knew better
I knew that I'd only end up feeling this way
And yet I let it fall, blindly yet fully aware
This weight is all too familiar
Too familiar
I knew it would be
all while hoping for otherwise
I don't think I like what I've become

reflection & realizations


  • I'll never be able to be that for you.
  • I forgot what it's like not to have you, and that scares me.
  • Routine and comfort inevitably grow into dependence, and that scares me.
  • Trust. Trust scares me.
  • I'm terrified.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Can't help but wonder if that's what's really wrong with me.
Can't help but hope that it's not.

Can't. Help.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

When you have an amazing boyfriend, it's national girlfriend day everyday.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

What is wrong with me
I can't believe I almost brought it back up
I told you I would never discuss anything of it again

Ugh 
But then again, I can't believe that my mind keeps bringing it back up
Gdi 

Maybe it was because my fears were seen as reality
What I had hoped wouldn't happen, quite accurately happened 

Why must the memory and emotion live on so vividly

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I have so much bottled up right now. This is how I felt before running this morning... Round 2, this time, work shall be my outlet.
You always encourage me to go for what I want and whenever I'm bold enough to do so without hesitation only to spare your feelings and our circumstances... You shoot me down and criticize my every move. What's encouragement without support?
I'm sorry I'm not a saint. It's bad enough that I have to live with the past, but to have to apologize for it too? Of course it's got to be like this. I have to say that I am a bit hurt and opening up old wounds did not help alleviate the pain of the present. I'm sorry, just sorry, always sorry, might as well be sorry for my entire existence.
I'll never be able to not get this shitty feeling 
How do I even have this certainty about you? 
It's alarming even to myself

I know it's way too early to say (literally, it's 1 am, like the first hour of the morning) but if I could here and now, I would give you forever
And I hope that since I cannot here and now, I can then and there --

Off to do some more dreaming, I guess. I'm a crazy teenager in love... I really am. Gah. Goodnight.
I remember when I cared so much about grand gestures. Even if I never explicitly expressed it, I doubt it was ever so subtle that I wanted the person I was with to value me so much that they would put in that thought, time, effort for me. But I think now I've realized that when you're with someone who does value you, you suddenly don't even think about those grand gestures anymore. You don't need it. Because they already prove your worth to them with every word and action. I feel so lucky to have found someone who makes love, arguably the most complex thing known to mankind, seem more simpler than I ever thought I'd accept.

Monday, July 13, 2015

I have such a bad habit of comparing myself to others. My insecurities are a mystery hahhahahahahaa

Saturday, July 11, 2015

It's funny. The wary execution of confessions never ends, does it? From the anxiety of spilling "I like you" to the nerves of spewing "I love you" ...only ultimately leading to either the uneasiness of "I can't do this anymore" or, I've yet to know, the exhilaration of "Will you?" and "I do."

This realization itself makes me feel a bit anxious...

Thursday, July 9, 2015

I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. What emotion is this?
My lungs are filled with more than just air, my heart with more than just blood. I feel so empty yet so heavy. 
How do I even begin to explain this?
My passive aggression is so real...
Never
Quite
Good
Enough 
My entire life is just a series of bad timing

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Freedom and selfishness.

48 more days.

48 more days until we are separated by hundreds of miles that can only be combated through a quarter of a day on the bus or train or by a plane ticket worth just as many hours of work.
Yet here I am, anticipating the freedom. Not the freedom from you - no, I will never want that distance between us.
I am anticipating the distance from all the restrictions that bound us to all that we can do, the limits that only bring anxiety and disappointment, all of which fall upon my two jaded shoulders.
I am anticipating the days where the limits and restrictions will not come from me and my circumstances, but solely by time and distance.
I'm not saying it will be easier for the both of us, but I am saying that it will definitely lift a lot of weight from my heart and mind.

It is so selfish of me to be excited for the school year. I know that. It's hard to understand myself; I don't expect you to. I just can't wait for the freedom. (Fitting right, it's July 4th)

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Can't help but question my decision. Hopefully when I look back on this, I'll laugh and know I made the right choice.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

DISCLAIMER

I AM FINE NOW
I WAS BEING STUPID LAST NIGHT
I'M FINE

i'm
sorry
ok

i hate me
I'd rather not have known that option crossed your mind at all.
It'd probably feel less painful than knowing that it crossed your mind but you decided against it.
Just never say it if you have no intentions on keeping your word.
This is the only place I can pour my ugly feelings out and it freaking sucks. I'll probably regret writing all of this by tomorrow morning.
You made me feel like I was worth that choice
I didn't ever believe I was, but you made me want to believe so
So what happens when you don't go through with that choice? This is what happens
I can't even begin to express my disappointment about it all

It's her, it's my past, it's you getting my hopes up for nothing, it's your oblivion, it's freaking everything that is driving me crazy and there's nothing I can freaking do because I refuse to be so selfish

Honestly

It freaking kills me that she's apart of your life at all
Every. Single. Reminder. Like that. Just. Hurts.
If your life is so exclusive as you make it seem,
how is it that she is just as included
I'm trying not to be so selfish 

But I can't help it

Why are tears streaming down my face right now
God forbid I ever hint at it again
Damn it
That just crushed me, why?

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Ok. Suffer in silence. Sounds simple enough.
You didn't even come through.
I realize now that that's why I'm still a mess.
I wasn't in favor of that option,
But honestly... Would work out the best for my feelings
If my feelings even matter

But gdi, I hate my feelings 
I just wanted reciprocation 

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Friday, June 19, 2015

Is this what it's like to feel like you're fighting to be opened up to?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

I am astounded by the extent to which just the thought of interaction between you and her irks me.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

I still have moments where I catch myself slipping, being overly sensitive and having irrational thoughts. But all in all, I think I am getting so much better. I have gotten so much stronger. I've never felt that someone was so good for me like this before. You make me a better person. Instead of being my weakness, you are my strength. That's something so new to me. I appreciate you so much.

After the next two months, the absence may seem unbearable - but I know that loss would truly be unbearable. I'm choosing you, and I'm not sure I've ever been so sure about anything else.

Monday, May 11, 2015

WhooOOoOop

and just like that, the cat is out of the bag
fun, fun...

Necessary v. Proper

I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do/think/feel about you

I'm so, so, so scared right now
My impulses are always so dangerous
I'm scared of making a wrong move
I'm scared of making a move at all
I'm scared, scared, scared

I don't know if I WANT to do/think/feel ANYTHING about you

I'm so, so, so scared and confused

I can't really express this to anyone either
Of course that'd just fuel the rumors that much more

Why, why, why, why do I feel so conflicted?
is it even possible to keep anything lowkey anymore

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Why do I crave company so much,
that I get attached to attention so easily?

I do not know how to unattach
I do not know how to protect myself
I thought I did
I thought I learned

I was doing so well
It makes me sad how weak I still am, no matter how hard I try to keep up that strong front. I'm freaking vulnerable as hell.
My heart flutters too easily.
But I'm learning to not let my hands open as easily,
clenched tight in fists actually

I refuse to fall.

Monday, April 20, 2015

It's mentally exhausting trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life and where I'm going to be able to make it happen

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Update: rejected to Columbia, Yale, and Princeton; waitlisted at Harvard. Honestly, I can say that I feel so privileged to even be able to have applied to Harvard. To be interviewed, to be considered, to be waitlisted is probably beyond anything I could've imagined these past few years - some of the roughest times of my life.

There's been so many rough patches. I've been trying so hard to find some sort of outlet; I've been anticipating my escape but it never felt so tangible until this past weekend. SEA Admit was such an amazing experience. I will seriously never forget these people and all the memories made. I think it's absolutely beautiful how much you can connect with people you only spend 3 days getting to know.

It's funny because before this weekend, my heart was pretty much set on Berkeley though with an open mind toward LA. Boy, were the past few days a real game changer. The tables have turned, and now my heart is utterly consumed by LA, my mind still looking forward to this weekend at Berkeley though.

I just want to decide already. Decisions are so tough. So is everything else sometimes. I still have to appeal to Harvard, keep up with schoolwork, prepare for AP testing, all while trying to make the most of the last bits of my senior year. Life is so tough but so good to me. Gosh, it's so bittersweet. And it's so real.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Oh hey, it's been a while.

/scrambled thoughts.

Well, I kicked UC's in the booty and I really couldn't be any happier about it. It's a bittersweet thing getting recognition for it though; I appreciate the shared joy but not sure I appreciate the attention so much. Hm.

Got rejected to Stanford, but I honestly do not feel anything about it. I'm pretty proud of myself for not investing my hopes in any one college too much. Because then I feel immense joy when I get in, and not much at all when I don't get in.

March 31 and April 1, final decisions. And then I have to make my final decision. I didn't realize how much there is to weigh. No such thing as an easy decision, huh?

I saw you again Thursday. I don't think I care at all anymore. But at the same time, I wanted to just show you that I'm having the time of my life without you. That I don't need you at all. I'm not sure if a part of me still misses you, but if I do at all, it's not in any romantic way. It's been almost a year now, and I have to say that my life is so much lighter without you. It's weird now, in retrospect, because I blamed you for the pain for so long that now all I can see is my own faults within it all. I can't imagine what I put you through, and I almost feel apologetic for it. I guess we'll both be much too prideful to ever fully come through with our claim of blame though, so I guess we'll live the rest of our lives trying to erase everything that ever was.

As for this other guy, errrr. I don't like where it's going. It's so difficult to push it aside; it's that much more real now after last Friday. Sigh. What to do.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

I just noticed that I can only be wholly involved and truly interested (non-romantic ways, too) in one person's life at a time...
Of course this can be problematic. quite very.
I don't know how to keep up with everyone,
And this is why I can't keep anyone,

I think it's more of a curse than a blessing,

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Maybe if I convince you that I have feelings for someone else,
my heart will believe it too.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

I had an interview for Harvard today. Harvard.
The school I declared whenever asked, "Where do you want to go to college?" - at least up until high school, up until reality hit.
But I shouldn't care how slim my chances are; I took the shot.
No matter what happens, I'll be happy to say that I tried.

& there is always graduate school. Always.
I am bitter for nothing. :)

Lmfao.
What the heck is wrong with me,

WHO R U ANYWAY
WHY SHULD I FEEL ANYTHING TOWARD U
EVEN IF IT'S RESENTMENT,
WHY SHULD I

I SHOULDN'T
Who the hell are you, anyway?
So
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
so
done.

You're not even good enough.
I'm so weak.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Gaps.

I have a gap that you cannot fill.
Nor do I expect you to.
Nor do I exactly want you to.

I don't want you to want me.

Isn't that a little funny?

I can't say I don't wish you'd want me,
but I can say I don't want you to want me.

I really do not mind, which makes it all the more difficult
I liked when you thought you found someone,
I like when you speak of chasing others,
I like just wishing that I was them,
but all the while, accepting that I wasn't.

I didn't think there was a difference between wish and want...
but I think I see it now.

I think we justify our wants more than our wishes.
People say they 'wish', when they know it's too irrational & intangible to say that they 'want'.

As for me, I am so much more complicated than a gap between potential & probability;
even when my thoughts are overpowered and I'm left powerless to my feelings,
a part of me always knows right from wrong, left from right.

I know that it's just not right,

& that is why I refuse to want you.
& that is why I can so genuinely say that I do not want you to close the gap.
& that is why I can silently watch you want someone else, and still just only wish for you. not want you.

Lost.

Sometimes I wonder if I was placed into this world just to bring meaning to the word "lost"
Because lost is me, I am lost

I have never been too sure if where to go, or where I even am
I have never been too sure of anything

Or maybe I am to bring meaning to "found"
Because that is all I want to be
I silently scream for salvation,
for a certainty that can save me
from this series of obscurity

I yearn so much to be found, or just to even be sought after
I yearn, I desire, I crave, whilst my yearning, desire, crave
make me just that much more lost

For the thrill of it.

Why do I allow myself to fall into traps when I am fully aware of the fact that it is a trap

My thoughts cannot overpower my feelings and sometimes it just kills me

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Cry.

"I'm gonna cry," I said to you jokingly - although there was a hint of sincerity in it;
that's really what I feel like doing. I just want to cry.
You actually looked over and leaned your head in to see if I was really going to cry,
now why did that even bring me the least bit of joy?

I need to stop. I just realized that you are everything that I need not have in my life,
that I need not get attached to... but now what have I done?

I'm such an idiot. Such an idiot

Missing.

What a shitty feeling it is to miss something that you never had in the first place,
how shameful it is to long for something that you know you will never have
god i dont feel good
i really really hate whats going on rn

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

If theres one thing that I think of when I think of you..that I cant get out of my mind.. Your laugh. Your voice. 

Wah.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

What is so exhilarating about falling for someone who you know is completely wrong for you, what is it that makes it so damn fun to set yourself up for pain and disappointment... why, why, why

Monday, February 16, 2015

Damn it,

Such good ideas for someone who can't appreciate it.
Not again... not again..

Sunday, February 15, 2015

I just really think that you deserve to be loved.
And what a shame it is that I can't do the loving,
Lol. Bye Felicia.
"It's okay to be nice to everyone but you don't have to be too nice. You need to be nice to yourself too, and first." 

This is honestly always so difficult for me.
Losing so much hope & motivation.
I wish you'd let me in.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine's Day is a joke, even when I had a boyfriend
so why would being single be any better LMAO

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Monday, February 9, 2015

Omg why should I have time for you
This makes no sense

Byeeeeee

Sunday, February 8, 2015

"You got a lot of chill"

That just means a lot to me.
I think a lot of people see me as anal, always freaking out, panicky, overreacting 
So this just means a lot. When does anyone ever choose me over others // want just me haha


Omg you really suck so bye

Saturday, February 7, 2015

i am so damn tired of feeling inadequate
I can sit here
and blog
and blog
and blog
and if it doesn't work out
it doesn't work out
What if I was prettier
smarter
skinnier
wittier

would I be enough
It's hard to do this,
seeing everything so clearly
I'm so damn stubborn.
My heart is heavy,
and I knew I shouldn't have tried,
but I did.
I did, I done it, I damn it.
You weren't even in my life. Why didn't I keep it that way?

But then again,
it can easily go back to that way. As long as I let it.
The way I let you in.

So.. who has the power here?

Rules. Social norms.

Those rules..
  • don't do too much to your hair because it'll die
  • don't procrastinate
  • manage your time, plan, think ahead
  • don't be annoying and clingy and needy
  • don't cut your hair because you'll regret it in a few months
  • obey your parents
  • spend money wisely
yeah, there are a bunch of miscellaneous wise things to keep in mind but
sometimes I just think about it and

how dumb we are as a species
to know our fate - mortality
to know we have such limited time
and yet limit ourselves with such constraints

who CARES?
why should we worry about being liked or disliked by others
when this is our own life to live
and when we're dead, it wouldn't matter if everyone disliked you

why do we yearn for approval
when we're gonna die with or without others' approval

sometimes when I think about all of this
I just wanna say screw it all and just LIVE
I just want to live

even if it means annoying the crap out of people
making stupid mistakes and regretting them
taking risks and facing the consequences

why are we scared of anything
when we're being chased by death

I want to feel ok, but I'm not ok. not at all.
& that's why I need to do this.

Unavailable.

I don't want to be free to be taken anymore. I don't want to open up so easily anymore. I'm not going to close myself off to the rest of the world, but I'm not going to stand here with open arms either. I'm gonna keep my arms wrapped around myself, because I'm tired of looking for that acceptance and affection elsewhere. I'm tired of giving so much, and expecting to be able to take just as much; I should not need to give nor take. I need to learn to stand on my own without looking for other arms. I will learn to embrace myself, and until I do, I am very much unavailable.
on that mission to back it up.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Much needed.

“Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want.”
Janet Fitch, White Oleander

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Bye.

Self-control.

If you want, you will.

I'll proceed to disappear now.
I just need to hold my horses.
Why do I even want this so badly,
is it because Valentine's Day is in a week
is it because Sadies proposals are due soon

do I want this for all the wrong reasons?
it'd be reassuring if I did, but I am not sure,

please. can i just,

sigh.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

11:43

My head is spinning and my heart is heavy and oh dear I just wish you would.

11:42

Why can't I make anyone happy anymore?

11:40

So, you don't even care?
I should be fast asleep, but I cannot even rest my eyes with the thoughts clashing in my head.

But maybe I'm just terrible at reading signs
Maybe signs changed meaning without my knowledge of so
Maybe I gave you all of the wrong answers
Maybe you gave me all of the wrong hopes
What about me?
What about my feelings?

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Done.

I feel such a good load off.
My chances of being one of the 1000 are slim, but I'll take that shot.

Monday, January 12, 2015

My hair is now subtle ombre and that makes me happy.
Despite the fact that I'm due at school at 4:30 am tomorrow.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Bring it on, 2015.

I will conquer you.
This will be the best year yet.
It's gonna be my year.

It's 1 am,

And i've decided to embark on this journey.
I'm pretty insane aren't i