prologue

I think that everything in my life thus far has been so transient
My life really has just been chapters, unfolding and closing, and left behind when closed

...and I'm okay with that
I've left people where I want them to stay
I've come to terms with it now
It's nice to realize it, acknowledge it, exhale it

I've also come to the overstated conclusion that family is all you really have
Family is all I still have now when all of my past chapters have closed

Things have a funny way of unfolding
Because now I've found this person,
someone who not only perfectly complements me but also perfectly exemplifies my realization about family

And this is the one person whom I truly believe will remain through my future chapters
And that's all that really matters to me

THE FINALS ARE COMING, THE FINALS ARE COMING

/rip

this is one of the worst feelings

words and weaknesses

"Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I amworthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me."

— Daniell Koepke

I never took criticism lightly; in fact, it always stung me much more than I let show. This has been my lifelong weakness and I rarely ever, ever let it go unconcealed. And this wasn't because I placed myself on a pedestal and believed I was too good for any criticism. It was pretty much the exact opposite. It's because any negative words thrown at me only verified the dark thoughts I already had about myself. It only supported, if not added to, my self-degradation. I struggled with this extreme sensitivity for so long. To be honest, I don't even know if I've gotten over it. But I do know now why I have been so sensitive to everything - it's because I needed anything and everything to define my worth, since I could not myself. I've been trying so hard, now, to self-define my worth and gain back the self-esteem and confidence that had been shredded from me over all of the years. It's always difficult to think about, because I want to blame other people for it - I want to blame their brutality, their lack of kindness, their insensitivity. In truth, though, there is only myself to blame and I know that now. I want to value myself, even if others do not. I have to value myself, even if others do not.