Holy crap...

This is karma

I'm

Selfish

What is wrong with me

I can't believe I almost brought it back up

I told you I would never discuss anything of it again

Ugh 

But then again, I can't believe that my mind keeps bringing it back up

Gdi 

Maybe it was because my fears were seen as reality

What I had hoped wouldn't happen, quite accurately happened 

Why must the memory and emotion live on so vividly

I have so much bottled up right now. This is how I felt before running this morning... Round 2, this time, work shall be my outlet.

You always encourage me to go for what I want and whenever I'm bold enough to do so without hesitation only to spare your feelings and our circumstances... You shoot me down and criticize my every move. What's encouragement without support?

I'm sorry I'm not a saint. It's bad enough that I have to live with the past, but to have to apologize for it too? Of course it's got to be like this. I have to say that I am a bit hurt and opening up old wounds did not help alleviate the pain of the present. I'm sorry, just sorry, always sorry, might as well be sorry for my entire existence.

I'll never be able to not get this shitty feeling 

How do I even have this certainty about you? 

It's alarming even to myself

I know it's way too early to say (literally, it's 1 am, like the first hour of the morning) but if I could here and now, I would give you forever

And I hope that since I cannot here and now, I can then and there --

Off to do some more dreaming, I guess. I'm a crazy teenager in love... I really am. Gah. Goodnight.

I remember when I cared so much about grand gestures. Even if I never explicitly expressed it, I doubt it was ever so subtle that I wanted the person I was with to value me so much that they would put in that thought, time, effort for me. But I think now I've realized that when you're with someone who does value you, you suddenly don't even think about those grand gestures anymore. You don't need it. Because they already prove your worth to them with every word and action. I feel so lucky to have found someone who makes love, arguably the most complex thing known to mankind, seem more simpler than I ever thought I'd accept.

I have such a bad habit of comparing myself to others. My insecurities are a mystery hahhahahahahaa

It's funny. The wary execution of confessions never ends, does it? From the anxiety of spilling "I like you" to the nerves of spewing "I love you" ...only ultimately leading to either the uneasiness of "I can't do this anymore" or, I've yet to know, the exhilaration of "Will you?" and "I do."

This realization itself makes me feel a bit anxious...

I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. What emotion is this?

My lungs are filled with more than just air, my heart with more than just blood. I feel so empty yet so heavy. 

How do I even begin to explain this?

My passive aggression is so real...

Never

Quite

Good

Enough 

My entire life is just a series of bad timing

Freedom and selfishness.

48 more days.

48 more days until we are separated by hundreds of miles that can only be combated through a quarter of a day on the bus or train or by a plane ticket worth just as many hours of work.
Yet here I am, anticipating the freedom. Not the freedom from you - no, I will never want that distance between us.
I am anticipating the distance from all the restrictions that bound us to all that we can do, the limits that only bring anxiety and disappointment, all of which fall upon my two jaded shoulders.
I am anticipating the days where the limits and restrictions will not come from me and my circumstances, but solely by time and distance.
I'm not saying it will be easier for the both of us, but I am saying that it will definitely lift a lot of weight from my heart and mind.

It is so selfish of me to be excited for the school year. I know that. It's hard to understand myself; I don't expect you to. I just can't wait for the freedom. (Fitting right, it's July 4th)

Can't help but question my decision. Hopefully when I look back on this, I'll laugh and know I made the right choice.