DISCLAIMER

I AM FINE NOW

I WAS BEING STUPID LAST NIGHT

I'M FINE

i'm

sorry

ok

i hate me

I'd rather not have known that option crossed your mind at all.

It'd probably feel less painful than knowing that it crossed your mind but you decided against it.

Just never say it if you have no intentions on keeping your word.

This is the only place I can pour my ugly feelings out and it freaking sucks. I'll probably regret writing all of this by tomorrow morning.

You made me feel like I was worth that choice

I didn't ever believe I was, but you made me want to believe so

So what happens when you don't go through with that choice? This is what happens

I can't even begin to express my disappointment about it all

It's her, it's my past, it's you getting my hopes up for nothing, it's your oblivion, it's freaking everything that is driving me crazy and there's nothing I can freaking do because I refuse to be so selfish

Honestly

It freaking kills me that she's apart of your life at all
Every. Single. Reminder. Like that. Just. Hurts.
If your life is so exclusive as you make it seem,
how is it that she is just as included

I'm trying not to be so selfish 

But I can't help it

Why are tears streaming down my face right now

God forbid I ever hint at it again

Damn it

That just crushed me, why?

Ok. Suffer in silence. Sounds simple enough.

You didn't even come through.

I realize now that that's why I'm still a mess.

I wasn't in favor of that option,

But honestly... Would work out the best for my feelings

If my feelings even matter

But gdi, I hate my feelings 

I just wanted reciprocation 

I wish you could be a little more understanding.

Is this what it's like to feel like you're fighting to be opened up to?

I am astounded by the extent to which just the thought of interaction between you and her irks me.

I still have moments where I catch myself slipping, being overly sensitive and having irrational thoughts. But all in all, I think I am getting so much better. I have gotten so much stronger. I've never felt that someone was so good for me like this before. You make me a better person. Instead of being my weakness, you are my strength. That's something so new to me. I appreciate you so much.

After the next two months, the absence may seem unbearable - but I know that loss would truly be unbearable. I'm choosing you, and I'm not sure I've ever been so sure about anything else.

This is a mess

I am a mess