Oh my god why am I so disappointed

A lot of things hurt right now.

Why do I crave company so much,
that I get attached to attention so easily?

I do not know how to unattach
I do not know how to protect myself
I thought I did
I thought I learned

I was doing so well

It makes me sad how weak I still am, no matter how hard I try to keep up that strong front. I'm freaking vulnerable as hell.

My heart flutters too easily.
But I'm learning to not let my hands open as easily,
clenched tight in fists actually

I refuse to fall.

It's mentally exhausting trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life and where I'm going to be able to make it happen

Update: rejected to Columbia, Yale, and Princeton; waitlisted at Harvard. Honestly, I can say that I feel so privileged to even be able to have applied to Harvard. To be interviewed, to be considered, to be waitlisted is probably beyond anything I could've imagined these past few years - some of the roughest times of my life.

There's been so many rough patches. I've been trying so hard to find some sort of outlet; I've been anticipating my escape but it never felt so tangible until this past weekend. SEA Admit was such an amazing experience. I will seriously never forget these people and all the memories made. I think it's absolutely beautiful how much you can connect with people you only spend 3 days getting to know.

It's funny because before this weekend, my heart was pretty much set on Berkeley though with an open mind toward LA. Boy, were the past few days a real game changer. The tables have turned, and now my heart is utterly consumed by LA, my mind still looking forward to this weekend at Berkeley though.

I just want to decide already. Decisions are so tough. So is everything else sometimes. I still have to appeal to Harvard, keep up with schoolwork, prepare for AP testing, all while trying to make the most of the last bits of my senior year. Life is so tough but so good to me. Gosh, it's so bittersweet. And it's so real.

Oh hey, it's been a while.

/scrambled thoughts.

Well, I kicked UC's in the booty and I really couldn't be any happier about it. It's a bittersweet thing getting recognition for it though; I appreciate the shared joy but not sure I appreciate the attention so much. Hm.

Got rejected to Stanford, but I honestly do not feel anything about it. I'm pretty proud of myself for not investing my hopes in any one college too much. Because then I feel immense joy when I get in, and not much at all when I don't get in.

March 31 and April 1, final decisions. And then I have to make my final decision. I didn't realize how much there is to weigh. No such thing as an easy decision, huh?

I saw you again Thursday. I don't think I care at all anymore. But at the same time, I wanted to just show you that I'm having the time of my life without you. That I don't need you at all. I'm not sure if a part of me still misses you, but if I do at all, it's not in any romantic way. It's been almost a year now, and I have to say that my life is so much lighter without you. It's weird now, in retrospect, because I blamed you for the pain for so long that now all I can see is my own faults within it all. I can't imagine what I put you through, and I almost feel apologetic for it. I guess we'll both be much too prideful to ever fully come through with our claim of blame though, so I guess we'll live the rest of our lives trying to erase everything that ever was.

As for this other guy, errrr. I don't like where it's going. It's so difficult to push it aside; it's that much more real now after last Friday. Sigh. What to do.

I just noticed that I can only be wholly involved and truly interested (non-romantic ways, too) in one person's life at a time...
Of course this can be problematic. quite very.
I don't know how to keep up with everyone,
And this is why I can't keep anyone,

I think it's more of a curse than a blessing,

Maybe if I convince you that I have feelings for someone else,
my heart will believe it too.

I had an interview for Harvard today. Harvard.
The school I declared whenever asked, "Where do you want to go to college?" - at least up until high school, up until reality hit.
But I shouldn't care how slim my chances are; I took the shot.
No matter what happens, I'll be happy to say that I tried.

& there is always graduate school. Always.

I am bitter for nothing. :)

Lmfao.
What the heck is wrong with me,

WHO R U ANYWAY
WHY SHULD I FEEL ANYTHING TOWARD U
EVEN IF IT'S RESENTMENT,
WHY SHULD I

I SHOULDN'T
Who the hell are you, anyway?